Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
