Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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