I could make wine with my vomit
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
