You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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