Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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