Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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