something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
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