I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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