Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
