dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
