Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
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