I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Randomize
