WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Pants 0. Shit 1.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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