my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
