i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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