There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
