It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
