I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
