well I can't set my house on fire every night
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Randomize
