I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
