how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Success! We fucked roommates!
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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