Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
