I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize