how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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