I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
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