Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
