Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
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