I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
