Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Swine flu is the new snow day.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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