the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
