I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
i now understand why vodka
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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