oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
