what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
