just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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