just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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