I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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