is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
