Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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