I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
