dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
