Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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