I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize