He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
