i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize