My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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