Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
