Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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