If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
