..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
