There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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