be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
