dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
