please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
