i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
