you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
